It’s the night before

I don’t really feel like writing right now. When my anxiety intensifies the ringing in my ears gets louder and it feels like the blood in my veins is jumping like jumping beans. that’s the easier way i can explain it. And while I don’t feel like writing, I know this: After tomorrow afternoon, regardless of the outcome, my view on life will probably change forever.  Tomorrow afternoon at 2pm I see my Dr. and will discuss the test results. There’s so many thoughts clogging my brain right now. The past month or so I’ve been kind of freezing up when my anxiety is bad, it’s like when it suddenly gets very cold and your muscles get extremely tense, so much so that you can’t move and curl up. tonight it happened and i kept moving so my body couldn’t clam up.

I am an agnostic, so when I say I’m making deals, it’s with the Universe, not any god. I’ve thought of the very worst i don’t wanna hear, which would be: Get your things in order. I don’t want to not have a fighting chance. I keep typing and deleting what i just wrote. I hope I could at the very minimum be here until late September, worse case scenario, I want to spend some time with my kids, with jim and chippy. I realize I’m all over the place, it simply is what it is.

I could also have hypothyroidism, or Hep C & I’ve actually got the antibodies for that cuz i was exposed to it (probably MANY times), sepsis (cuz of all my UTIs). I’d think if he were gonna tell me i have cancer he’d have me bring someone, right?

There’s nothing like a mom’s hug, especially a fluffy mom.  Today I missed my mom, Aunt Bert and Dolores