Day zero

Today I went to the doctor & have lost 10 lbs. in the past 30 days. I’m not trying to lose weight; this isn’t good news. I’ve lost 24 lbs. since July & have no appetite. When I do have one, I take about 5 bites and I’m full. So my doctor is referring me to an oncologist, a cancer specialist.
Jim always has a positive attitude and I do not. I am a pessimist by nature & I will just say right here, I knew this would happen. Jim’s about ready to semi-retire & we’re thinking of moving. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to leave my kids.
I’m not afraid to die, not at all. I’ve never felt at home here in this lifetime, I’ve always felt like an outsider. I want to talk to someone I’m close with, I’d like to talk with Nicole right now but I can’t. I don’t want to worry her when I don’t even know my diagnosis yet.
I feel like there’s about a 10% chance this is my thyroid & not cancer; I hope it is, but I think it’s not. But… there have been many, many times I’ve been wrong, more than 50% easily, probably like 80%- so that’s in my favor 🙂
Anyways, that’s today