One of those nights

Tonight is 1 of those nights, i haven’t experienced one like this in years, but i can tell you, it’s not pleasant. i don’t know if it’s a sudden surge of depression or what, it’s more like a dark mood, one that i wish would go away. my thoughts are dark, very negative about myself. not thinking good thoughts at all.

i still do wish i weren’t here. i am not made for this place, i never have been. no matter how i’ve tried to fit in, i just don’t, i never have, not even when i was 4 or 5. i don’t like myself, who i am. i’m not saying i want to change myself cuz this is the most comfortable i will ever be here. i am just one of those awkward people that you look at & know something isn’t right, but you don’t know what it is. Neither do i.

it’s times like this where i wish my vocabulary was bigger & i could write eloquently, but it isn’t and i can’t.

one of the things that creeped me out tonight was thinking about the hospital & some of the patients that were not nice to me, i was thinking what if i saw them in public? i’d be scared to death! hopefully they wouldn’t recognize me. that whole experience was so awful & degrading, for all my siblings to see me like that, at my lowest, that’s absolutely humiliating. i have only seen my sister once or twice & 1 brother once, since then, i won’t go to family things cuz i am ashamed and also because i think it will be too difficult without my mom there.

in some ways, my siblings are perfect & in some ways, they’re weird- and i’m below them in every single aspect. i don’t have much in common with any of them & i also don’t have much (read: any) of a life, i mean NONE, NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH. so there is no “what’s new with you?” answer for me. nothing is new. same old stuff. we have a dog. they don’t ask about jim cuz i badmouthed him when i was in the hospital- another reason i probably avoid them. my sister says not to be embarrassed, but i am, she isn’t me. i do have an iota of pride, i am allowed that.

i’m not looking forward to tomorrow. i never look forward to tomorrows. nothing is exciting anymore, nothing is really fun. i rarely smile. i have no energy. if i could, i would sleep ALL the time. i’d love to do that. perhaps it’s obvious why, maybe it’s not. i don’t know & it really doesn’t matter. nothing does.