Frazzled

I feel drained & now that i think of it, it’s in good ways & bad ways. I’ve started an online art class & my mind (the “thinking” part) has become my worst enemy. I’m enjoying the art when i’m doing it… usually. i enjoy it unless my inner voice starts criticizing every single thing i do & i’m continually shutting it up. (or trying) Another difficult part is when i look at the work my classmates have done, some of them are professionals, clearly & others aren’t, but easily could be. It’s amazing the stuff they can whip up & do it so fast.

So, now i pretty much have what i’m going to do worked out, but i’m still not certain about the layout of the page. Some of it i have but other parts i’m just not feeling it. The truth is, i’m really scared to do this. I was scared earlier, fearful, of what? I am not sure. but i made myself go in the art room & practice, it’s actually relaxing, time flies by! But this fear, it can be emotionally paralyzing & i can feel myself actually shaking.

i have the final draft header & main object, a pig, illustrated and ready. now i’ve got to put the writing part in some sort of order that will at least look good to me, it doesn’t have to be anything particular, cuz it is art, after all.

in other stuff, someone that was a friend and i, have stopped being friends. i don’t know what i did for her to turn on me, but clearly i did something. i just wish she had talked to me about it instead of talking to others & then giving the ok for them to throw shade toward me. it was hurtful and that was the intent. so, while it does really hurt & i’ve been sad about it, i can’t afford to have a friend that has the potential to do that, especially one that said she loved me & that i’ve never done anything that pissed her off. so it was the 1st time i did something, this happened? yet i wasn’t worthy of even talking to, or even confronting angrily, i don’t care how it was done, at least an attempt to talk would have been something i would respect.

but letting someone intentionally disrespect me, knowing they were going to do that- and this was someone i’ve known for years & i thought we were very close. it doesn’t make sense. i am and will continue to not let anybody online get close to me, it’s just not worth it, it really isn’t.