Craving awareness

It seems like i go thru this cycle every so often. I start looking for all kinds of stuff about mindfulness, Buddhism, awareness, etc. It’s like inside of me i know what my mind/body needs, but something stops me from pursuing it after a certain point, it’s so odd. i find myself craving enlightenment, i want to be at peace with myself and the world. For the most part, i am at peace with myself, although if it were 10 hours from now, perhaps i’d say i’m not- it’s tricky. I’m definitely not at peace with the world and it’s eating at me. It’s the same stuff, just like the stumbling block i have with getting more into self-awareness.

Okay, so perhaps the 2 are similar. I start to get into mindfulness (that’s the term i’m gonna use, even tho it’s more expansive) and stop for some reason, and in regards to the world i get frustrated over the same things, over and over. In my head right now i have a vision of rocks on the ground and i keep tripping over them repeatedly. I suppose that’s not such a strange phenomenon after all, is it? People are constantly stumbling over the same issues in their lives and eventually, we do 1 of 3 things: 1) we figure out a way to avoid the stumbling stones 2) we give up, or 3) we continue the pattern of starting and stopping.

Continuing the pattern would be the most frustrating cuz it’s like a dog chasing it’s tail. Giving up… i don’t know, that’s not something i want to do. So, i think it’s in my best interest to figure out a way to avoid the stumblers. Now, to figure out how to do that.

I had a lightbulb moment!! It’s FEAR! I’m afraid of failure, so if i never try or give up, i can’t fail. But by doing that, i think i’m failing myself.