Sadness

I don’t know why but tonight I’m feeling very sad. I’m missing my mom & Trixi, for the past few nights when I go to bed, they’re both on my mind. I wish I knew the word to describe what I feel then, it’s a sense of loss, shock and emptiness of some sort. The emptiness is from missing them (I think).

Death is never as we expect it or planned. With my mom, when my brother told me they were bringing her home to die, I was upset with her cuz I thought she was faking it. I can’t explain myself. I didn’t believe she was dying, perhaps I knew I couldn’t handle her dying, I’ll never know. I did well for 3 weeks after she died & then my life went drastically downhill. As a result of that, I’ve lost a lot of my memories.

With Trixi, I know we did what was right. I just miss her, especially at night when I walk into the room to change and she’s not there. She was always there, sleeping, snoring. Sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference between her snores & Jim’s, it was so funny. She never got old, always on the top of her game. She was ornery til the very end & we loved her for it.

My mom never got old either, yes she was 85 but she was still the life of a party. She’d go to bingo 2 times a week & if I was at her house at bingo time she’d start looking at the clock 20 mins. before & putting her hands on the walker… hint, hint 😉 Then she’d just get up & say she was going! But that was our relationship, we were best friends & honest with each other.

I miss her so much. Rarely do I talk to her and when I do, it’s usually to say I’m sorry. I just wish I’d known it would be our last week together.