Been forever

It feels like winter is here, that is winter So. Cal style- it’s 60 degrees outside. I wasn’t able to fall asleep last night until about 4am, lots of things on my mind.  Since the last time I wrote here so much has changed – drastically, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever share any of it & I strongly doubt I’ll ever share all of it- I still haven’t shared all of it with another person.

I’m not looking forward to the holidays for a number of reasons, 1 of them being if I’m invited to functions with my family I’m not going & for once I can say it’s because I just don’t want to go. Yes, I know that may seem insensitive but I don’t. I realized last night part of why I’ve been angry at my siblings & haven’t seen them is they’re going to remind me of my mom. Emotionally, even just thinking about it feels like a gut punch. When I’m home here, just Jim & I, it’s not abnormal for my mom not to be here. But seeing my siblings? I’d ALWAYS have my mom with me when I saw them. Too much pain.

I’ve done well as far as dealing with my emotions regarding my mom’s death…numbness mostly. I was VERY depressed in May & was in the hospital for 2 weeks, then attended an outpatient program for 10 – and here I are! Although I’ve been feeling numb, at times out of nowhere I break down crying; I know that’s normal. Right now it feels as if a dam’s about to burst & I’m not sure I want that to happen. I’ve been afraid of being so sad that I fall into a deep depression again; I can’t afford that.

This Friday will be 20 years since my Dad died. There’s no comparison between my parents, their deaths- so much was different. I was 35 when my Dad died, my kids were 10 & 12, I was a single mom & I still had my mom- my dad was 72. My Dad & I had a cantankerous (that may not be the right word, but I like it) relationship at times, we were both opinionated & hard-headed, but we both respected that about each other. We’d get in debates & be fine, even though it was heated, my mom would be so nervous she’d be slamming cupboards, clearly she should have spoken up! LOL 😉

With my mom, I was 54, kids 30 & 32, my mom & I were best friends. She needed me and I don’t think she realized it, but I needed her, too.

One thought on “Been forever

  1. Life can be so so tough, it just does not seem fair at times and one wonders why?

    Thank goodness you don’t have to cope with winter UK style! LOL Wet, grey, wet, coldish, windy, wet. Cheerful, innit 🙂

    (((Hugs)))

Comments are closed.