When Will I See You Again?

I can’t write a whole lot now, for 1 thing: I’m exhausted. Buy in case there is anybody that doesn’t know yet, my mom, my world…died on March 18, 2013. It was 6 days after her 85th birthday. Today wasn’t such an easy one, I spent much of it in tears. I miss her more than I ever thought it was possible to miss another human, not to mention my best friend and my mom.

I still remember 1 day when I drove us to Denny’s Restaurant and I was fixing her hair, or her blouse (I always did both), I think I kissed her & held her hand and she said, “Jane! People are going to think we’re lesbians!!” Being that my mom has a gay daughter & granddaughter she knew exactly what she was saying. I laughed so hard I almost peed, she couldn’t figure out what I found so funny, even when I said, “Well, hopefully they’ll notice there’s a few years difference between us.” (30 to be exact)

I love my mom. I miss her. The pain, when I feel it, is unbearable. I want to get in the car & just drive forever…with no destination- just to find my mom. I want to hold her hand again. I want to count the age spots on her hands. Admire how beautiful she was. How easily she laughed. How polite she was.

Funny, Spanish was her 1st language, assimilation was important to her & her family. Yet in her last hours it was all she could understand…which made it difficult for us children to speak to her as we spoke none. (It was the mystery language she kept from us, saved exclusively for her Spanish-speaking friends to gossip with.) She kept staring at me, as though she had cataracts, but she had them removed. I’d give anything to know what she wanted to say, but it was probably in Spanish & her communication skills were at their weakest…English or Spanish.

When she passed, I was happy for her, no suffering. I was sad for me, and yes, I know that is extremely selfish, but it’s true. Had anyone told me the immense pain I’d feel in my inner most being, I wouldn’t have believed them. Honestly, I don’t know how I’ve coped this long. My heart is broken.

As I said, I’m happy for her, shes with her mom, her husband, her siblings, her cousins, aunts, uncles, her niece-my cousin, Lola. And while I’m happy for her, my heart is still broken into two- one part is with her, and one part is here with me. I’ll be whole when we’re together again.

4 thoughts on “When Will I See You Again?

  1. Jane,
    My heart is broken for you. I know we had the “moms” talk on numerous occasion and as I shared when ones told me “at least you had time to prepare” I wanted to punch them because nothing prepares you. Nothing. It’s an indescribable pain that swallows you whole.
    I sincerely hope you don’t mind me commenting. Regardless of events, this news broke me. I’m sad you are on this road.
    My deepest condolences to you. A virtual long tight hug. Wiping tears.

    1. Shan, You are ALWAYS welcome to comment here. Yes, I do remember our discussions about our moms. One thing I did know was to be grateful for every day w/her & not take our time for granted~ I know your mom was taken much too early.
      Babs suggested writing here & it does seem to help, but then some days it’s like I got kicked in the gut. The worst part is, I miss her so badly.
      Thanks for caring

  2. Jane, I am so truly sorry for your loss! I lost my mom over 20 years ago at the age of 60 and I still feel all the things you do to this day! They say you will get over the loss but you never do. You just learn to live with it! Is it selfish. I think not, I cannot wait for the day when I can be with my mom again! It hurts but I hope you can find comfort in all the beautiful memories you shared with your mom. You will feel your mom’s presence in everything and everywhere you go. Trust me…

    1. Thank you, Steph. 60 seems so young, maybe cuz I’m almost there, but I won’t want to leave my kids then. I agree about not getting over it, this year is 20 years that my dad died & you’d think he’d be an ancient memory according to what some say, but he’s not…no where near anything far away.
      I’m learning what you mean about my mom being with me always. It’s so funny now how so many say I look just like my mom, when she was alive, I was never told that. I’ll take that compliment all day long!
      Thank you for commenting.

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