I’ve got to preface this by telling anyone that reads it: I’m writing this to try & help myself, to release any toxins I may be holding in, or whatever…just to get that shit “out there.” That said, I really don’t want advise; I know people mean well when they give it, but that’s the 1 thing (aside from embarrassment) that stops me from writing blogs of this nature – advice.
I’m very depressed; not suicidal, just depressed. No, I don’t like being on this planet at the moment, but I wouldn’t hurt my kids or mom in that sense, now or ever. I have no energy to do anything, dread getting out of bed ~ especially on weekends. (Even Twitter isn’t keeping my interests…now you know that’s bad!) It’s not that Dick says or does anything wrong to me, its what isn’t there. Affection. I’m talking about a mere hug or cuddling; nothing replaces human touch. Nothing. The loneliness is so painful it’s with me every breathing second of every single day. And this isn’t anything new, I’ve lived with it for at least 7 years, probably closer to 9, maybe 10. I know I should be used to it, numb to the pain.
Maybe it’s more painful now because I’m experiencing it “clean.” Or maybe it’s the time of year. I’ve long referred to Nov/Dec as “the dying season” cuz that’s when family seems to die. Last year at this time both of his parents & my mom were in the hospital. It’s like I start holding my breath when Nov. gets here until Dec. ends. I don’t look forward to the holidays, especially when you see couples holding hands, or hugging – it’s like a knife is piercing my heart. I cry. I cry a lot, every single day. In my room, outside when I’m smoking, in the living room (sometimes when he’s next to me playing his video game with his headphones on). It’s not like I’m holding in the tears, but they just keep coming, more & more of them.
I brought it up to him yesterday & his reply was, “It’s not my fault.” End of discussion. So he goes back to his every morning kiss on the check as I sleep, yet says nothing about it all day, and he won’t. I realize at this point it’s my choice ~ whether or not to keep living like this. And for now, I’ll keep living here. I still love him and I know, in a way, he loves me, I’m just afraid it’s more like a sister than a girlfriend or a lover.
I’ve probably brought this up at least 20 times to him & I’ve been very specific-nothing changes. I’ve even suggested just being roommates (we have our own room due to his snoring…at least thats what it started as…but the problem preceded that) & live single lives, he laughed his nervous laugh and said “That’s not how it works.” I don’t see what’s wrong with that, he could meet someone, maybe I could, or maybe we’d both see the wrong in our ways. Who knows? I just know this isn’t how I want to spend the rest of my life.
To know you aren’t wanted is an awful feeling. When I was a single mom, I never thought married people, or people that lived together, could possibly feel lonely. Yet, I find myself feeling like the loneliest person on the planet. We’ve touched a bit on this in therapy, but not much. It seems something bigger is always at hand: my kids, our parents, my health, etc.
I’m not on anti-depressants and won’t be (I am taking vitamin D) and I refuse to go into another hospital for this type of thing. The level of care in them has declined so much it’s awful, the last one I was in felt more like a prison than a place where you’re supposed to receive help. Plus, those places are loaded with psychiatrists whose only goal is to give you medications, preferably the ones they’ll win a cruise for doling out a certain amount.
Do I feel hopeless? Yes. Do I see the answer yet? No. Fortunately, my son is living with us temporarily & it’s just he & I in the daytime which is usually nice. Of course, Trixi, my pig, is still alive (thankfully) so I have to get up for her. I dread days when I have to take my mom somewhere & at the same time, I feel guilty for not spending more time with her. I’m just a mess. I talk with my N.A. sponsor almost daily, but nothing is helping.
I was hoping I’d feel better after writing this, but I don’t. I’m going to read til I fall asleep. Nite.