A deep dark hole

I’ve got to preface this by telling anyone that reads it: I’m writing this to try & help myself, to release any toxins I may be holding in, or whatever…just to get that shit “out there.” That said, I really don’t want advise; I know people mean well when they give it, but that’s the 1 thing (aside from embarrassment) that stops me from writing blogs of this nature – advice.

I’m very depressed; not suicidal, just depressed. No, I don’t like being on this planet at the moment, but I wouldn’t hurt my kids or mom in that sense, now or ever. I have no energy to do anything, dread getting out of bed ~ especially on weekends. (Even Twitter isn’t keeping my interests…now you know that’s bad!) It’s not that Dick says or does anything wrong to me, its what isn’t there. Affection. I’m talking about a mere hug or cuddling; nothing replaces human touch. Nothing. The loneliness is so painful it’s with me every breathing second of every single day. And this isn’t anything new, I’ve lived with it for at least 7 years, probably closer to 9, maybe 10. I know I should be used to it, numb to the pain.

Maybe it’s more painful now because I’m experiencing it “clean.” Or maybe it’s the time of year. I’ve long referred to Nov/Dec as “the dying season” cuz that’s when family seems to die. Last year at this time both of his parents & my mom were in the hospital. It’s like I start holding my breath when Nov. gets here until Dec. ends. I don’t look forward to the holidays, especially when you see couples holding hands, or hugging – it’s like a knife is piercing my heart. I cry. I cry a lot, every single day. In my room, outside when I’m smoking, in the living room (sometimes when he’s next to me playing his video game with his headphones on). It’s not like I’m holding in the tears, but they just keep coming, more & more of them.

I brought it up to him yesterday & his reply was, “It’s not my fault.” End of discussion. So he goes back to his every morning kiss on the check as I sleep, yet says nothing about it all day, and he won’t. I realize at this point it’s my choice ~ whether or not to keep living like this. And for now, I’ll keep living here. I still love him and I know, in a way, he loves me, I’m just afraid it’s more like a sister than a girlfriend or a lover.

I’ve probably brought this up at least 20 times to him & I’ve been very specific-nothing changes. I’ve even suggested just being roommates (we have our own room due to his snoring…at least thats what it started as…but the problem preceded that) & live single lives, he laughed his nervous laugh and said “That’s not how it works.” I don’t see what’s wrong with that, he could meet someone, maybe I could, or maybe we’d both see the wrong in our ways. Who knows? I just know this isn’t how I want to spend the rest of my life.

To know you aren’t wanted is an awful feeling. When I was a single mom, I never thought married people, or people that lived together, could possibly feel lonely. Yet, I find myself feeling like the loneliest person on the planet. We’ve touched a bit on this in therapy, but not much. It seems something bigger is always at hand: my kids, our parents, my health, etc.

I’m not on anti-depressants and won’t be (I am taking vitamin D) and I refuse to go into another hospital for this type of thing. The level of care in them has declined so much it’s awful, the last one I was in felt more like a prison than a place where you’re supposed to receive help. Plus, those places are loaded with psychiatrists whose only goal is to give you medications, preferably the ones they’ll win a cruise for doling out a certain amount.

Do I feel hopeless? Yes. Do I see the answer yet? No. Fortunately, my son is living with us temporarily & it’s just he & I in the daytime which is usually nice. Of course, Trixi, my pig, is still alive (thankfully) so I have to get up for her. I dread days when I have to take my mom somewhere & at the same time, I feel guilty for not spending more time with her. I’m just a mess. I talk with my N.A. sponsor almost daily, but nothing is helping.

I was hoping I’d feel better after writing this, but I don’t. I’m going to read til I fall asleep. Nite.

4 thoughts on “A deep dark hole

  1. No advice!! That is just one of the many things I love about you my friend, you say what you mean and mean what you say, mad respect for you for that. It takes a ton of courage to be that real. I would suspect that the natural instinct is always to offer advice rather than maybe just shutting up and actually doing nothing but listening. So my friend I will shut up and just listen and let you talk. As for lonely, I think that that feeling/emotion whatever the right word is is rampant, just not many people brave enough to own it and face it. Thank you for that gift.

    Glad to have you back here, I miss your blogs. I am selfish, I know they are for you to get stuff out but my friend I take it in so know that you are giving. In return I give back my friendship, love and support……and promise no advice unless you ask for it although I may be silly to put a smile on your face and joy in your heart even if only for a split second..

  2. As always, I’m in awe of your brutal honesty.
    I think the worst loneliness is when you’re constantly surrounded yet profoundly alone.
    Thank you for helping us readers know that we are not alone. And please know you are loved.

  3. Welcome back Jane! I’m back too. I think I’ve gotten past the tentaive stage as I am doing the Holidailies thing.

    It is interesting that you start your post with not asking for advice – people are well meaning and programmed to fix but it does get out of hand sometimes doesn’t it so I don’t blame you. I’ve come back to blogging for the creative expression as much as anything else.

    It is so sad to read about the lack of real affection in your life, I can’t imagine. Some of what you have said sounds like the film Hope Springs which I found too depressing for words and would not actually recommend it as a good watch, though it does finally have some light relief come the end of the film. It is incredibly slow, even for me, but I think it has a useful take on a situation.

    Did I tell you in a previous comment that I tried the anti-depressant thing this summer? Jeez. I’m with you girl and wondering if that is about an industry rather than being of real help long term. I only did ten weeks on them, no results, and then still had horrible side effects coming off them. For me, change of diet and digging an allottment and some alternative preparations helped. I’m having a relapse at the moment and very up and down with my own issues. Luckily, I do have a loving relationship to support me and I don’t know how I would cope without.

    Keep writing Jane, I look forward to visiting more :-)

    Doris x

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