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that’s where i’m at, again. i am afraid of myself. my borderline is out of control right now and i’m afraid i’m going to lose jim. i don’t know what to do. i want to go to sleep for awhile, maybe that’s what i’ll do, but that’s a short-term solution.

universe- please help me


I’m not doing well in controlling my emotions, especially when i’m faced with an unexpected challenge, sometimes even something small. I blew up at Jim a few times when we were camping- each time i needed to talk to him about something, not argue, but instead it always turned into an argument. i try, i try so hard. i am scared. i keep saying i won’t start an argument or even argue, and it still happens. i’m afraid sooner or later jim is just gonna say he’s had enough.

i don’t think i’m 100% myself with anybody and i don’t know why. it’s like i’m afraid to show people who i really am. people that know me would think i could care less about what others think about me, but i do, and i know it’s stupid.

well, our country is sinking. what was, is no more. they’re showing us what they REALLY want and that is for all of us, me, you… non-millionaires- they want us dead. gone, so they can spend any and all money us being alive would have cost.

i’ve been getting these weird things when i get nervous, anxiety- i feel like i can’t breathe, like my throat is gonna close, no air thru my sinuses- of course i can KNOW that i am, indeed, breathing- but thinking you can’t breathe is a mindfuck.

goodnight world


I’m feeling like we should be packing up or something like that. I’m wanting to make things, bake things, get ready to go somewhere… as in leave (jim, myself & chip). TBH, i’m scared. With Dotard so close with the Sickle & he has to see the writing on the wall- he knows he’s in trouble, he can undoubtedly feel it.

Here is the hope I’m holding on to, 2 things:

1) That I’m wrong. It won’t be the first time, that’s for sure.

2) If something has been in the works, that our intelligence officers are aware of it & are 1 step ahead of him.

Other than those 2 factors, we’re fucked.

It’s the night before

I don’t really feel like writing right now. When my anxiety intensifies the ringing in my ears gets louder and it feels like the blood in my veins is jumping like jumping beans. that’s the easier way i can explain it. And while I don’t feel like writing, I know this: After tomorrow afternoon, regardless of the outcome, my view on life will probably change forever.  Tomorrow afternoon at 2pm I see my Dr. and will discuss the test results. There’s so many thoughts clogging my brain right now. The past month or so I’ve been kind of freezing up when my anxiety is bad, it’s like when it suddenly gets very cold and your muscles get extremely tense, so much so that you can’t move and curl up. tonight it happened and i kept moving so my body couldn’t clam up.

I am an agnostic, so when I say I’m making deals, it’s with the Universe, not any god. I’ve thought of the very worst i don’t wanna hear, which would be: Get your things in order. I don’t want to not have a fighting chance. I keep typing and deleting what i just wrote. I hope I could at the very minimum be here until late September, worse case scenario, I want to spend some time with my kids, with jim and chippy. I realize I’m all over the place, it simply is what it is.

I could also have hypothyroidism, or Hep C & I’ve actually got the antibodies for that cuz i was exposed to it (probably MANY times), sepsis (cuz of all my UTIs). I’d think if he were gonna tell me i have cancer he’d have me bring someone, right?

There’s nothing like a mom’s hug, especially a fluffy mom.  Today I missed my mom, Aunt Bert and Dolores

Day zero

Today I went to the doctor & have lost 10 lbs. in the past 30 days. I’m not trying to lose weight; this isn’t good news. I’ve lost 24 lbs. since July & have no appetite. When I do have one, I take about 5 bites and I’m full. So my doctor is referring me to an oncologist, a cancer specialist.
Jim always has a positive attitude and I do not. I am a pessimist by nature & I will just say right here, I knew this would happen. Jim’s about ready to semi-retire & we’re thinking of moving. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to leave my kids.
I’m not afraid to die, not at all. I’ve never felt at home here in this lifetime, I’ve always felt like an outsider. I want to talk to someone I’m close with, I’d like to talk with Nicole right now but I can’t. I don’t want to worry her when I don’t even know my diagnosis yet.
I feel like there’s about a 10% chance this is my thyroid & not cancer; I hope it is, but I think it’s not. But… there have been many, many times I’ve been wrong, more than 50% easily, probably like 80%- so that’s in my favor 🙂
Anyways, that’s today

My Trixi Sue

Trixi will be 12 years old on July 5th. We got her on October 5, 2002, when she was exactly 3 months old. Her parents were Faith Hill & Elvis Presley, we were told she’d get between 70-75 lbs; the lady lied. Jim says she’s probably 200 lbs. & we’ve always fed her healthy food- no “slop” or table scraps. She isn’t a very cute pig, but to us, that makes her cuter. To go with her “not so cute” appearance she has 1 helluva attitude & kind of a reputation in my family… but that’s okay 😉

We got a pet to help with my depression. At the time, I’d been depressed for well over 6 months & was sleeping 18-20 hours a day (which isn’t abnormal for someone depressed). I had had a pot bellied pig once before, but Tootsie was an outdoor pet, Trixi is an indoor diva! While I wanted a pet to help with my depression, she had things in mind that would actually help me, but I never imagined it.

If I didn’t stay up with Trixi (in the living room) she’d start tipping over furniture with her nose (pigs have VERY strong noses). She’d tip over our barstools, the computer chair, she’d get into things she knew she wasn’t supposed to & Moooooo – who ever knew a pig could Moo?


We used to take her camping with us, she loved taking walks by small streams & sticking her nose in the water. At home, I could put items on the floor (hat, ball, shoe, etc) & teach her each 1 then tell her to touch a particular 1 & she’d walk over & push it with her nose- then she’d get a treat! Of course, that’s what it was all about in the 1st place. 🙂

When she got an infection a few weeks back Jim & I had a talk, that dreaded talk. We both agreed when it was her time, we wouldn’t go to extreme measures to “save” her. We’re not going to make her go thru pain or discomfort so that we still have her alive. It seems that time may be arriving sometime soon.

I hope between us, we use a lot of wisdom to know what to do and when the time is right. Trixi has a wonderful life & we want the end of her time here to be as peaceful a transition as possible.

*UPDATE: Trixi is doing much better, she’s completely back to herself- healthwise. We’ve been giving her antibiotics & they must be kicking “whatever it is’s” ass. 🙂

My beautiful Mom



Tonight my friend Kathie, tweeted: “Tell your family & friends you love them. Pick up the phone & call them. Life can change in a heart beat.”

It’s here. The day I’ve anticipated and dreaded.  March 18, 2014,  the 1st anniversary of my mom’s death.  You can tell yourself over & over your parent is going to die, that’s completely different than realizing they are actively dying.  I always knew the day would come but didn’t accept it, even though I’d been told she was dying. At the time reality and reason did not co-exist.

Ever since March 9th I’ve been remembering what occurred each day last year, she started getting sick around the 4th & my kids & I (mostly my son) stayed at her apt. and took care of her. March 9 we took her to the ER cuz her breathing was so labored & shallow. On March 11 she was sent to a rehab hospital and on the 15th she was sent home to die.

I remember when my mom was well, sometimes I’d worry about her getting hurt or even dying. It felt as though if she were to die, there would be no air to breathe, my world would cease to exist. Here it is, 1 year later and yes, my world did cease to exist, yet somehow I am still breathing.

Until late December I couldn’t “see” my mom in my mind, I’d have to look at a picture to remember her face. One night I had a dream about her, we were walking into her apt.- we must’ve gone to a hair appt. She was wearing a familiar blouse & smiling (as always); it was 1 of those dreams you don’t want to wake up from. When I did wake up I tried going back to my dream but couldn’t, ever since that time I’ve been able to remember my mom. It’s best explained to say my memories went from 0 to 100 very fast, it was overwhelming yet I didn’t want it to stop.

Sometimes I can feel my mom with me, it’s not something I actively sought out, it just happened. It happens when I’m alone, out of nowhere I’ll see an image of something we did together, it’s more than just that though- hard to explain. Other times it is a knowing presence, I can feel her with me. One time I went to bed angry at Jim, as I lay there I suddenly had an image of my mom making a funny face (a sarcastic smile) she did when I’d tell her she looked sad, or didn’t look happy. I fought it, but eventually I couldn’t help but smile & burst out laughing. I know without a doubt that was my mom cuz she knows my temper & used to hate it when I’d get so angry… all it took for her to change my mood was a silly smile.

I’ve heard people say (not to me) when you’re older your parent’s death shouldn’t affect you as much as when you’re younger – HOGWASH! Throw that & any other judgments or expectations in the trash. Everybody’s experience is unique. Feelings don’t really make sense: there are days I want to cry but I feel numb, some days I don’t think about my mom- others I’m consumed with her- sometimes I start crying and can’t stop- absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. There is no right or wrong when it comes to grieving.

I spent a lot of time with my mom, helped her when she’d let me, laughed & cried with her. We people-watched, she’d wear sunglasses & feel invisible, sometimes it was so obvious she was staring & I’d be embarrassed, but she’d always make me laugh afterward. Our roles reversed: I’d be calling her to make sure she was home safe & hadn’t been drinking too much. She lived a full life to the very end!

My regrets have to do with my mom’s final days. I wish we’d had time alone, just the two of us. Time to hold her hand, tell her how much I loved her, thank her for everything & for being my best friend. A chance to say good-bye. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, maybe my mom and I weren’t meant to say good-bye.

Time… nothing replaces the time you can spend with someone, even if it is sitting by their side, holding their hand and not saying one word.

ps… Lisa S. if you read this please let me know, I’ve lost your email.


Been forever

It feels like winter is here, that is winter So. Cal style- it’s 60 degrees outside. I wasn’t able to fall asleep last night until about 4am, lots of things on my mind.  Since the last time I wrote here so much has changed – drastically, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever share any of it & I strongly doubt I’ll ever share all of it- I still haven’t shared all of it with another person.

I’m not looking forward to the holidays for a number of reasons, 1 of them being if I’m invited to functions with my family I’m not going & for once I can say it’s because I just don’t want to go. Yes, I know that may seem insensitive but I don’t. I realized last night part of why I’ve been angry at my siblings & haven’t seen them is they’re going to remind me of my mom. Emotionally, even just thinking about it feels like a gut punch. When I’m home here, just Jim & I, it’s not abnormal for my mom not to be here. But seeing my siblings? I’d ALWAYS have my mom with me when I saw them. Too much pain.

I’ve done well as far as dealing with my emotions regarding my mom’s death…numbness mostly. I was VERY depressed in May & was in the hospital for 2 weeks, then attended an outpatient program for 10 – and here I are! Although I’ve been feeling numb, at times out of nowhere I break down crying; I know that’s normal. Right now it feels as if a dam’s about to burst & I’m not sure I want that to happen. I’ve been afraid of being so sad that I fall into a deep depression again; I can’t afford that.

This Friday will be 20 years since my Dad died. There’s no comparison between my parents, their deaths- so much was different. I was 35 when my Dad died, my kids were 10 & 12, I was a single mom & I still had my mom- my dad was 72. My Dad & I had a cantankerous (that may not be the right word, but I like it) relationship at times, we were both opinionated & hard-headed, but we both respected that about each other. We’d get in debates & be fine, even though it was heated, my mom would be so nervous she’d be slamming cupboards, clearly she should have spoken up! LOL 😉

With my mom, I was 54, kids 30 & 32, my mom & I were best friends. She needed me and I don’t think she realized it, but I needed her, too.

i should have known

tired. somewhat depressed. never been a people person. got a call into my therapist & waiting for the callback. didnt say i “needed” to talk. so i keep everything in my head. paranoia. nobody to talk to. nobody. only safe one would be my snoring pig. literally. tears fall and i dont know why. i shouldnt be sad. dont trust people. i know better. “friends” are fake. passive aggressive friends are the fakest. some love knowing anothers weakness. thats sick. sicker than me. sickness of the ego. mine is a sickness of the heart.

trying. always trying. to fit in. but i never have. i never will. 99% of the time i dont care if i do or not. not “one of the crowd” just not. i should have known to keep things to myself. trust nobody but myself – my mantra. how it is. always been. safest way.

Real quick

I just read a blog about a little boy that has a mental illness and I suggest you read it too. The blog is: The Anarchist Soccer Mom

Her 2nd sentence hit me like a lightening bolt: “But it’s time to talk about mental illness.” Bless her heart. The courage, and excuse my french, but the fucking balls it takes to be as raw & honest as she’s being to bring attention to the state of our mental health system, or lack thereof, as it affects her beautiful (I’m referring to his “being” even though he is beautiful) son.

I think most of you know I have a mental illness, 2 actually, but tonight (this morning…it’s 2:52am) I’m just writing to say (and to kick myself in the ass so I’ll do it) that I’m going to start writing about living with mental illness. I’m pretty sure I usually seem “normal” but if I do it’s because I get offline before I start tweeting what’s going on in my head. (I internalize my problems, so it’s sort of an inner-hell)

I started blogging in 2005 to dump all the stuff in my head & I was so shocked & pleased with how many others were in similar situations; there was also a sense of community support. Anyways, that’s kinda neither here nor there right now. If anybody reading this wants to write an anonymous post I’ll be more than happy to consider putting it on here – given that I know you, I think that’s only wise.

Okay, I’m going to bed now. good night