I am doing better. Sometimes it takes a honest person to point out the obvious & it helps tremendously. So, thanks ‘honest person.’ I finally got my blood drawn today so they can see if I’m okay for a biopsy on Ingrid. Whether or not it’s cancerous, I want it OUT; I can feel it, especially when I get nervous about it.
Dick has been so helpful, I honestly don’t know where I’d be without him. I’ve decided if I become depressed like I was last week I am admitting myself to the hospital & telling them I won’t leave until they figure out what’s wrong with me. During those 3-4 days, I am definitely a danger to myself.
I don’t want to change mood stabilizers cuz they really fuck with your head. So, I’m first going to see if Ingrid is the cause of all this ~ I’m guessing it is. If not, then I will have to change mood stabilizers. What scares me the most about those is I’m afraid I’ll lose myself; that’s happened before. Somehow Dick & I have to figure out a way that he’ll know if I’m fading away… (I don’t think this will make sense to anyone that hasn’t been on anti-depressants or mood stabilizers).
This whole thing is pretty scary. I can be fine & then on the drop of a dime, my life is out of control for days. My Dr. says it isn’t menopause. But I don’t think such a quick mood change is a bipolar thing.
I haven’t answered any emails, I’m sorry. I haven’t read any blogs. I get nervous to check my emails or my blog; I don’t know why. Dick has been home since Thursday & goes back to work tomorrow ~ hopefully everything will be okay. My son is moving out on the 15th, that will be the best for both of us. I’ve got a ton of different feelings going on, but I can’t afford to think about negative ones right now. I’ve got to put my mental well-being at the top of my priorities ~ back to square 1.
Oh, 1 funny thing: Dick & I have been walking at night & it’s so cold here, it’s in the 30s or 40s (I know for some of you that’s like summer) So I am wearing a beanie, a scarf, gloves, a shirt, sweatshirt, fleece jacket, and downs vest, thermal underwear, sweat pants, wool socks, and of course, shoes. It’s so nice to walk together at night, our neighborhood is really peaceful.
Our bedroom smells like crap, literally. Dick put fertilizer & seed for a lawn & I think the fertilizer has made it’s way into our room; I’m about to gag.
It’s hard to believe that one week ago tomorrow I was having such a merry Christmas. Today my life is spiraling out of control & I just watch in disbelief. Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed. I can’t say for sure where I’ll be tomorrow, or the day after. I’ve never felt so alone & so helpless in all my 50 years.
Going into the details wouldn’t matter because that wouldn’t fix anything. Right now I’m a very ugly individual; I can’t believe the magnitude of my hatred & anger. My life feels like someone has put it thru a paper shredder, except it’s me, not paper. That’s all I’ve got to say.
Today was one of the worst days I can recall. I am too ashamed to go into the details. My moods are going from 0 to 100 (100 being full blown rage) within minutes. Afterward I am filled with such guilt & self-loathing, it is painful to keep on going. Dick is so supportive of me during times like this.
I can’t believe any one still reads my blog. I don’t want to sound cliche, but you have no idea how much your support means to me right now. I hate when people apologize for not reading blogs, but the truth is, I feel like I’m barely able to cope with life on a dialy basis. I am trying my hardest to look on the bright side of things & for most of the time, I do. But then there is that 5 minutes of so that I lose it & say that most hateful, vile things to the people I love the most. Sure, people forgive; but in reality, words last forever & they scar forever.
I’m having a small portion of my family over for Christmas, what if I go into a rage then? I know I’d tell someone, “then just don’t,” but this mood change is like a sucker punch ~ there’s no indication it’s coming & I don’t realize what has transpired until it’s too late.
My ex-sister-in-law OD’d in 1986, she left behind a little boy. I’ve often wondered if my kids would have been better off if I’d died when they were little; I never believed that more than I did today. I am not feeling sorry for myself; I loathe myself. I’m not suicidal or hopeless, I just don’t want to be awake. I’ve heard that crazy people don’t know they’re, but I am watching myself go crazy.
I can’t talk to my psychiatrist or doctor, it would mean more medication. Maybe I should try new med even if it makes me a zombie at least I wouldn’t be hurting my family, but it’s so different to find the right “cocktail” of meds… sometimes people don’t even survive that. And then, trying to get off the medications is literally torture.
The bright spot of my day was when I was walking Beans, she was meandering in the grass & I thought about how uncomplicated her life is. Then I thought, “What would you do without me?” Who knows where she’d go if Dick had to get rid of her. Sometimes being needed, even if it’s by a pig, makes your day 100% worth it.
At 5pm I took enough medicine that I should have slept til the morning, but unfortunately I woke up at 9:15. 1 thing behind all this is I don’t feel like my family takes me serious, they dismiss anything ~ whether it be my opinion, or point out they are spreading untruths. They all belong to 2 schools of thougth: 1) If you have a mental illness it’s because you aren’t a Christian & will be al better if you ask Jesus into your heart. 2) Pull up your boot straps & march on!! Well, I was a Christian & experienced both mania & depression, I did as a teen, too; my point is that my mental illness was not healed when I became a Christian. The fact that they don’t acknowledge mental illness both hurts & infuriates me, yet I’m sure part of the reason they dismiss anything I say is because they’d say I’m mentally ill.
When I think of our home, I want it to be perfect. I want everything on Christmas to be perfect. When I think of Dick or my kids, I want to be known as the one who was always smiling & supportive ~ that’s what I want their memories of me to be, but they won’t be. I don’t say that lightly.
I don’t know if this post will make any sense, but I’m too exhausted to edit it.
I’m not going to the doctor today. I called to make sure he’d do the biopsy that day & the lady told me he doesn’t even do the biopsy, but refers me to someone. So I called my Dr. and she is referring me to someone. I’m supposed to go by for the paperwork, but went thru a depressed spell & now it seems California is going thru a freezing spell.
It’s difficult to look at my blog when I have written such depressing stuff. I kind of question whether I should be writing personal problems of my family and honestly? People don’t need to be reading that shit. I feel 100% out of the blogging loop; I wonder how I ever came up with stuff to blog about everyday.
Hopefully I’ll get around to visiting blogs sooner, rather than later.
My life is fucked up. Actually, I should say it’s multiply fucked up. Time is of the essence right now because as of 1/1/2009 I will be over the limit to qualify for state medical aid, which most states call Medicaid, but not ours. This means I’ll have only Medicare (that in itself isn’t a complaint), but they will take out $96.40 per month, as they do to everybody on Medicare. On top of that, I’ll have to pay the first $2,000 or $2,500 of all my medical costs… doctor visits, prescriptions, lab tests, etc. Then Medicare pays the next $2,000 & then I pay the following $2,000 or $2,500…. in the end it all adds up to about $6,000 a year & that doesn’t include the $96.40 they take out monthly. (This financial area is termed the “gap” or “doughnut”) Overall, it will be more than 50% of my annual income.
Fortunately Medi-Cal doesn’t re-evaluate my status until April & then I can request a hearing which will buy me 1 more month. In the meantime I’ve got to get Ingrid taken care of, hopefully removed & hopefully it isn’t cancerous so I won’t need chemo. Oh, so I called the endocronologist to ask that they take the biopsy on the 18th, only to find out they don’t do that there! They refer me to a radiologist. So I called my Dr. and asked her to refer me to a radiologist, which she is doing (I love her) and I also talked to her because I need pills for a bladder problem (I’ve had this for years, but didn’t want to take more pills) and when I described the symptoms she said pills won’t help, only surgery will. So that’s 2 things I have to get taken care of by April. And me? I’m stuck. Frozen. Paralyzed. I’ve been sleeping (albeit induced), I don’t want to be awake. (I don’t mean I want to die) I’m not happy with either Dick or Taber.
My sister has her girlfriend on her insurance as a SO, so Dick thought maybe he could add me as his SO & I’d have his insurance. Sounds easy enough. I asked him yesterday if he asked & he said they told him NO. I asked why not? He said he didn’t know. (This here is a prime difference between women & men, imho) And so I said, “Didn’t you ask them why not?” He said, “No. What difference would it make?” FUCK! It would make all the fucking difference in the world TO ME. So I said, “What did you say when you asked them?” His reply was, “Can I add my girlfriend to my insurance?” No. No. No. You ape! How about, “I’ve been living with my girlfriend for over 10 years & would like to add her to my insurance as my SIGNIFICANT OTHER.” Or do we have to be homosexuals? This is absolutely not a knock on homosexuals, its really ironic though. And I asked him last night again if he called back & asked & he said NO. Fuck him! I’m not asking again… if he doesn’t give a damn about me, well then, FUCK HIM again!
On to Taber. (Oh, btw, after 5 years of non-smoking, I’m smoking again. No excuses. I am enjoying it.) I’m outside at god-knows-what-time & Taber gets out of the car shirtless. I ask where his shirt is (I saw him throw it on my car) & why he isn’t wearing it. He says girls like him better without a shirt (humility is a strong point of his *gag*) I go look at the shirt, turn it inside out, it’s full of mud or blood, can’t figure out & don’t want to know. He said out of the blue some guy just walked up and hit him. Bullshit. It’s funny how whenever he drinks people just walk up & hit him. Then he tells me he’s been drinking (I already knew this), but then he drops the bomb: He’s been drinking the entire time he’s been living here. (Interspersed here were a few digs at my sanity & how he came out pretty good, coming from an “insane” home & all… sweet) NO ALCOHOL was 1 of the 3 conditions of him living here. I’d questioned him on a number of occasions & even told him he smelled like alcohol, he denied it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. My gut was right. He has lost my support, my trust, my friendship, my EVERYTHING. I love him, but I do not like him 1 bit. I despise liars. I despise users. He asked if I want him to move out & I said yes I do, asap. I’m not mad at him; I am DONE with him.
So there you have it. I spend my awake time with my pig, laugh if you will, but we get each other. I don’t feel sorry for myself ~ I’ve got shit to do & I’ve got to do it quickly, right now I just don’t have the strength, or whatever you call it. I’ve called Medicare, Social Security, Medi-Cal & as you can imagine, they’ve all referred me elsewhere. Hopefully my bitchatude will kick in soon & I’ll be able to advocate for myself, but that’s got to happen really soon ~ I don’t have the fight in me right now. I am 100% assured I will lose this medical issue if I don’t fight & find out my rights & find the right people to connect with; they’ve got to be out there. I’ve repeated myself in this post, I’m sure. I’ve wanted to write, but have been so afraid of writing it wrong & I’m not going to edit or spellcheck.
There are seasons in our lives & for some reason, right now is the time for this load of shit. Somehow I’ll make it thru to the other side of this mess & hopefully be a better person for it. Or maybe it will make me bitchier. Both are okay with me.
