One of those nights

Tonight is 1 of those nights, i haven’t experienced one like this in years, but i can tell you, it’s not pleasant. i don’t know if it’s a sudden surge of depression or what, it’s more like a dark mood, one that i wish would go away. my thoughts are dark, very negative about myself. not thinking good thoughts at all.

i still do wish i weren’t here. i am not made for this place, i never have been. no matter how i’ve tried to fit in, i just don’t, i never have, not even when i was 4 or 5. i don’t like myself, who i am. i’m not saying i want to change myself cuz this is the most comfortable i will ever be here. i am just one of those awkward people that you look at & know something isn’t right, but you don’t know what it is. Neither do i.

it’s times like this where i wish my vocabulary was bigger & i could write eloquently, but it isn’t and i can’t.

one of the things that creeped me out tonight was thinking about the hospital & some of the patients that were not nice to me, i was thinking what if i saw them in public? i’d be scared to death! hopefully they wouldn’t recognize me. that whole experience was so awful & degrading, for all my siblings to see me like that, at my lowest, that’s absolutely humiliating. i have only seen my sister once or twice & 1 brother once, since then, i won’t go to family things cuz i am ashamed and also because i think it will be too difficult without my mom there.

in some ways, my siblings are perfect & in some ways, they’re weird- and i’m below them in every single aspect. i don’t have much in common with any of them & i also don’t have much (read: any) of a life, i mean NONE, NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH. so there is no “what’s new with you?” answer for me. nothing is new. same old stuff. we have a dog. they don’t ask about jim cuz i badmouthed him when i was in the hospital- another reason i probably avoid them. my sister says not to be embarrassed, but i am, she isn’t me. i do have an iota of pride, i am allowed that.

i’m not looking forward to tomorrow. i never look forward to tomorrows. nothing is exciting anymore, nothing is really fun. i rarely smile. i have no energy. if i could, i would sleep ALL the time. i’d love to do that. perhaps it’s obvious why, maybe it’s not. i don’t know & it really doesn’t matter. nothing does.


I feel drained & now that i think of it, it’s in good ways & bad ways. I’ve started an online art class & my mind (the “thinking” part) has become my worst enemy. I’m enjoying the art when i’m doing it… usually. i enjoy it unless my inner voice starts criticizing every single thing i do & i’m continually shutting it up. (or trying) Another difficult part is when i look at the work my classmates have done, some of them are professionals, clearly & others aren’t, but easily could be. It’s amazing the stuff they can whip up & do it so fast.

So, now i pretty much have what i’m going to do worked out, but i’m still not certain about the layout of the page. Some of it i have but other parts i’m just not feeling it. The truth is, i’m really scared to do this. I was scared earlier, fearful, of what? I am not sure. but i made myself go in the art room & practice, it’s actually relaxing, time flies by! But this fear, it can be emotionally paralyzing & i can feel myself actually shaking.

i have the final draft header & main object, a pig, illustrated and ready. now i’ve got to put the writing part in some sort of order that will at least look good to me, it doesn’t have to be anything particular, cuz it is art, after all.

in other stuff, someone that was a friend and i, have stopped being friends. i don’t know what i did for her to turn on me, but clearly i did something. i just wish she had talked to me about it instead of talking to others & then giving the ok for them to throw shade toward me. it was hurtful and that was the intent. so, while it does really hurt & i’ve been sad about it, i can’t afford to have a friend that has the potential to do that, especially one that said she loved me & that i’ve never done anything that pissed her off. so it was the 1st time i did something, this happened? yet i wasn’t worthy of even talking to, or even confronting angrily, i don’t care how it was done, at least an attempt to talk would have been something i would respect.

but letting someone intentionally disrespect me, knowing they were going to do that- and this was someone i’ve known for years & i thought we were very close. it doesn’t make sense. i am and will continue to not let anybody online get close to me, it’s just not worth it, it really isn’t.


This world, this world!! It’s so heavy. I wish i didn’t care about things i do & maybe that means i should care about things i don’t. That might not be a bad idea at all, cuz then i’d care about healthy food, cleaning house, quitting smoking, going outside, my appearance, fashion… hmmm something to consider.

Ever since i was a child it’s felt as if i’ve carried the burden of the world on my shoulders. i’ve always worried about others, always worried that something “might” happen. there was a period that i don’t remember worrying about that stuff (not very much, at least) & that was when i was a single mom raising my kids. i worked fulltime and they were both in sports year-round.

Now we have access to the world & it seems more & more, the world is going to pot. I don’t like it, i don’t like this world; i never have. sometimes i feel like i might be having a heart attack, and sometimes i kind of hope i am, i don’t do anything, just let whatever is gonna happen, happen.

I so wish i could stop caring, stop watching news, stop reading articles, stop caring about injustices or privilege. caring about those things feels like part of the fabric of my being. if i believed in a god, then i could just turn it all over to that god, but i don’t. the universe may be working things out, but that doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen to good people, innocent people, vulnerable people, naive people ~ this seems the case more often than not.

Anyways, i’m frustrated, again.

Craving awareness

It seems like i go thru this cycle every so often. I start looking for all kinds of stuff about mindfulness, Buddhism, awareness, etc. It’s like inside of me i know what my mind/body needs, but something stops me from pursuing it after a certain point, it’s so odd. i find myself craving enlightenment, i want to be at peace with myself and the world. For the most part, i am at peace with myself, although if it were 10 hours from now, perhaps i’d say i’m not- it’s tricky. I’m definitely not at peace with the world and it’s eating at me. It’s the same stuff, just like the stumbling block i have with getting more into self-awareness.

Okay, so perhaps the 2 are similar. I start to get into mindfulness (that’s the term i’m gonna use, even tho it’s more expansive) and stop for some reason, and in regards to the world i get frustrated over the same things, over and over. In my head right now i have a vision of rocks on the ground and i keep tripping over them repeatedly. I suppose that’s not such a strange phenomenon after all, is it? People are constantly stumbling over the same issues in their lives and eventually, we do 1 of 3 things: 1) we figure out a way to avoid the stumbling stones 2) we give up, or 3) we continue the pattern of starting and stopping.

Continuing the pattern would be the most frustrating cuz it’s like a dog chasing it’s tail. Giving up… i don’t know, that’s not something i want to do. So, i think it’s in my best interest to figure out a way to avoid the stumblers. Now, to figure out how to do that.

I had a lightbulb moment!! It’s FEAR! I’m afraid of failure, so if i never try or give up, i can’t fail. But by doing that, i think i’m failing myself.

Today is…

It’s World Mental Health Day. While I was on Twitter I saw this hashtag, clicked it & began reading the tweets. Some were inspiring, others were personal & touching. Many said familiar things like, “people just call me lazy” or, “people don’t take this seriously” (and they don’t), “maybe someday mental health will be treated as physical health is”.

I do have a mental illness, unfortunately, I have more than 1 diagnosis. It’s almost 4:30am & I’m sleepy but have something to say. Whether or not I share this publicly, I don’t know, that would take a lot of courage as people can be cruel. I don’t take sharing what I’m about to write lightly, I’ve considered it for over a year; today feels right. I realize opening my blog to “everyone” is risky, but if it helps one person, then it’s worth the risk.

On May 15, 2013, I tried to kill myself. I had tried a few times before but they were cries for help, not the BIG one. I researched how many pills it would take to kill myself, I had enough & even more, so I took them all. I also took other pills (a lot of them) to insure I’d die. (I’m not giving specifics cuz I don’t want to assist anyone else that may be suicidal). I should have been dead, very dead. Obviously, I didn’t die, I didn’t even pass out until many hours later. I wrote a letter to my kids & one to Jim, the one to Jim wasn’t nice. I got all my belongings & put them in my cars, at the time I had two. I told my kids certain things I wanted each to have in their letter.

My plan was foiled when I asked a neighbor if I could hide 1 of my cars at his house & said I wanted to put a tarp over it so Jim wouldn’t see it. This was bizarre & so not the norm for me, he called my son. One thing led to another & bottom line is after family got involved, I was taken to the ER & was hospitalized for over 2 weeks. The hospitalization was an absolute nightmare, the details of which I’ve only shared with my therapist & very few others; it’s not something I’ll ever share publicly. All I will say is, if someone tells you an unbelievable horrific story that happened while they were hospitalized, please believe them.

The day I did this I thought it was because I was mad at Jim, it wouldn’t be until a few weeks after I was home that I read my diary & somehow looked at the history on my computer, I saw I had been researching how to kill myself. When I read my diary it scared me so much I tore the pages out & cut them up. I cannot honestly say I was glad I survived because I wasn’t, however I went into an outpatient program for 10 weeks that I can say, without a doubt, has saved my life.

I had been to a few outpatient programs before, but this one was different. The program was the 1st time in my life I ever felt accepted for who I am, not who they want me to be, or think I can be, but who I am right now. I learned coping skills, how to recognize triggers & mindfulness. I learned it was safe to trust with the darkest secrets I had- I got things out I’d held in all my life. The program did not “cure” me, there is no cure, but it’s given me the opportunity to live.

Two months before my suicide attempt, my mom died. My mom was my life. We talked daily & my life revolved around her. She only lived about a mile away at a senior complex & I was the one that mainly helped her out. I took her to appointments, we went out to eat, shopping, or I’d just visit with her. Although she was 84, she was a very young 84. She always dressed up & had a smile on her face. When she got sick the decline was rapid & within 3 weeks, she passed away. My entire world crumbled. When my mom was alive I couldn’t imagine living, breathing in a world without her; sometimes I still wonder how I’m able to.

My life is not perfect, it’s not even what I want it to be. I don’t usually like very many people or this world, if I’m being completely honest and I am. I’m undoubtedly a pessimist and am okay with that. I’m an introvert who has always thought I was an extrovert. I march to the beat of a different drummer… a very different drummer. There are times I kind of like myself and while that may not seem like much, coming from a person who, as a teenager once looked herself in the mirror and said, “I’m going to kill you”, it’s a huge accomplishment.

I still have periods of days, weeks, months, where I am depressed, but suicide is no longer an option. After seeing the pain I caused those I love & working hard to mend those relationships, I don’t want to hurt them again. Someone that is suicidal is not a coward, it takes strength to fight every single day when your brain is telling you otherwise. The fight is exhausting & can seem senseless, at the time, the thought of “giving up” seems like a rational option; it never is.

I am not writing this for sympathy. If I do share this publicly, what I don’t want is for anyone to say, “I’m sorry.” Please, do not be sorry! I’m fortunate to have insurance & able to seek help, millions with mental illnesses are not so fortunate.

I’m writing this in case there is someone who is depressed, or suicidal and feels hopeless. If that’s the case and you’re reading this: You’re not alone. There are people that can and will help you. If I can survive, you can too, please trust me on this. You aren’t the worst and you aren’t so different than anyone else with mental illness; you’d be very surprised at how much we all usually have in common. You, just you alone, are worth living for.

National Suicide Prevention LifeLine for USA: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I feel hopeless often

Hopelessness is probably 1 of the most prominent feelings i have in my life today. I see no solution; nobody with any answers. Politicians, preachers, motivational speakers, all try to give their spin- cuz in the long run they need us for 1 reason or another- it’s all manipulation, imo.

Our country is definitely in dire straits, yet people want to point their finger at those with mental health issues, minorities, poverty, the list goes on & on. The fault, of course, is whatever group we don’t identify with, or perhaps we are a part of but feel we’re the exception. The wheels keep going ’round and ’round with no solution, no answer in sight.

We all just hold tight to our seats & hope we don’t happen to be in the pathway of the next mass murderer. It’s so commonplace anymore, isn’t it? Yet we just go on with our day. Police shooting innocent black men wherever they may be; a black youth holding a toy gun, or an adult male sitting in a wheelchair, for goodness sakes! Hardly anybody bats an eye.

We’re asleep. As a nation, we are ASLEEP! Our #1 story on almost every newscast is an idiotic orange-faced man running for political office, and that story goes for a good 5 minutes of news. THAT’S NEWS??!!!??? What about people starving? What about homelessness? What about the mentally ill that are being untreated or under-treated? What about gun control? What about our nation’s REAL problems? Oh, that has to be saved for a 20 minute segment on the Friday night show. To be watched, tweeted about, trend on Twitter and forgotten about. Case in point.

Got home a while ago from visiting Jim in the hospital, he had surgery on Thursday & will be coming home tomorrow, thankfully :) Joe came here on Thursday & just left today, I already miss him. He went to visit Jim 2 times & they talked about RC planes, things a father & son would talk about, ‘cept they’re not father & son. They’re actually much closer than Joe & Gary. Gary went to Vegas in July & about a week before Joe was very nervous cuz he was worrying about what to talk to his dad about. Since Gary was never around when my kids were growing up, he doesn’t know anything about their personalities or who they are, if we’re being honest. Joe said it’s not like he can have a casual conversation with his dad, there’s just nothing there, so it’s a building block, I suppose.

Yes, I’m gloating in the fact that Joe & Jim have so much in common, that Jim has watched Joe grow since he was 13 years old & has seen how much Joe’s matured & knows Joe’s heart, as I said earlier… like a father should. To see my son finally have the connection with someone he admires like a father is such a touching experience, Joe has always longed for this & tried to prove himself to his biological dad, Gary, forever. Gary being the self-centered son of a bitch that he is, is incapable of such love. This makes me even happier I got away from him (even 28 years later!) and met a man that is a man in every sense of the word, he is able to love & be loved unconditionally.

But tonight I’m missing everyone: Jim, Nicole and Joe. Jim is in the hospital tonight, Nicole has moved to Texas & Joe went back to Nevada today. This is the 1st time I’ve been home alone, before I had Trixi home with me & felt safe. (If you think a 200 lb. pig isn’t protection, think again) Up until last year all my close family was right here with me, including my mom & Trixi- until Aug. 22nd; we were all within 20 minutes of each other. It’s interesting how we never know what tomorrow will hold in life, that’s why every moment we are alive we should let those closest know we love them; this is one thing I can say with certainty that I’ve done right.


I don’t know why but tonight I’m feeling very sad. I’m missing my mom & Trixi, for the past few nights when I go to bed, they’re both on my mind. I wish I knew the word to describe what I feel then, it’s a sense of loss, shock and emptiness of some sort. The emptiness is from missing them (I think).

Death is never as we expect it or planned. With my mom, when my brother told me they were bringing her home to die, I was upset with her cuz I thought she was faking it. I can’t explain myself. I didn’t believe she was dying, perhaps I knew I couldn’t handle her dying, I’ll never know. I did well for 3 weeks after she died & then my life went drastically downhill. As a result of that, I’ve lost a lot of my memories.

With Trixi, I know we did what was right. I just miss her, especially at night when I walk into the room to change and she’s not there. She was always there, sleeping, snoring. Sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference between her snores & Jim’s, it was so funny. She never got old, always on the top of her game. She was ornery til the very end & we loved her for it.

My mom never got old either, yes she was 85 but she was still the life of a party. She’d go to bingo 2 times a week & if I was at her house at bingo time she’d start looking at the clock 20 mins. before & putting her hands on the walker… hint, hint 😉 Then she’d just get up & say she was going! But that was our relationship, we were best friends & honest with each other.

I miss her so much. Rarely do I talk to her and when I do, it’s usually to say I’m sorry. I just wish I’d known it would be our last week together.