Today is…

It’s World Mental Health Day. While I was on Twitter I saw this hashtag, clicked it & began reading the tweets. Some were inspiring, others were personal & touching. Many said familiar things like, “people just call me lazy” or, “people don’t take this seriously” (and they don’t), “maybe someday mental health will be treated as physical health is”.

I do have a mental illness, unfortunately, I have more than 1 diagnosis. It’s almost 4:30am & I’m sleepy but have something to say. Whether or not I share this publicly, I don’t know, that would take a lot of courage as people can be cruel. I don’t take sharing what I’m about to write lightly, I’ve considered it for over a year; today feels right. I realize opening my blog to “everyone” is risky, but if it helps one person, then it’s worth the risk.

On May 15, 2013, I tried to kill myself. I had tried a few times before but they were cries for help, not the BIG one. I researched how many pills it would take to kill myself, I had enough & even more, so I took them all. I also took other pills (a lot of them) to insure I’d die. (I’m not giving specifics cuz I don’t want to assist anyone else that may be suicidal). I should have been dead, very dead. Obviously, I didn’t die, I didn’t even pass out until many hours later. I wrote a letter to my kids & one to Jim, the one to Jim wasn’t nice. I got all my belongings & put them in my cars, at the time I had two. I told my kids certain things I wanted each to have in their letter.

My plan was foiled when I asked a neighbor if I could hide 1 of my cars at his house & said I wanted to put a tarp over it so Jim wouldn’t see it. This was bizarre & so not the norm for me, he called my son. One thing led to another & bottom line is after family got involved, I was taken to the ER & was hospitalized for over 2 weeks. The hospitalization was an absolute nightmare, the details of which I’ve only shared with my therapist & very few others; it’s not something I’ll ever share publicly. All I will say is, if someone tells you an unbelievable horrific story that happened while they were hospitalized, please believe them.

The day I did this I thought it was because I was mad at Jim, it wouldn’t be until a few weeks after I was home that I read my diary & somehow looked at the history on my computer, I saw I had been researching how to kill myself. When I read my diary it scared me so much I tore the pages out & cut them up. I cannot honestly say I was glad I survived because I wasn’t, however I went into an outpatient program for 10 weeks that I can say, without a doubt, has saved my life.

I had been to a few outpatient programs before, but this one was different. The program was the 1st time in my life I ever felt accepted for who I am, not who they want me to be, or think I can be, but who I am right now. I learned coping skills, how to recognize triggers & mindfulness. I learned it was safe to trust with the darkest secrets I had- I got things out I’d held in all my life. The program did not “cure” me, there is no cure, but it’s given me the opportunity to live.

Two months before my suicide attempt, my mom died. My mom was my life. We talked daily & my life revolved around her. She only lived about a mile away at a senior complex & I was the one that mainly helped her out. I took her to appointments, we went out to eat, shopping, or I’d just visit with her. Although she was 84, she was a very young 84. She always dressed up & had a smile on her face. When she got sick the decline was rapid & within 3 weeks, she passed away. My entire world crumbled. When my mom was alive I couldn’t imagine living, breathing in a world without her; sometimes I still wonder how I’m able to.

My life is not perfect, it’s not even what I want it to be. I don’t usually like very many people or this world, if I’m being completely honest and I am. I’m undoubtedly a pessimist and am okay with that. I’m an introvert who has always thought I was an extrovert. I march to the beat of a different drummer… a very different drummer. There are times I kind of like myself and while that may not seem like much, coming from a person who, as a teenager once looked herself in the mirror and said, “I’m going to kill you”, it’s a huge accomplishment.

I still have periods of days, weeks, months, where I am depressed, but suicide is no longer an option. After seeing the pain I caused those I love & working hard to mend those relationships, I don’t want to hurt them again. Someone that is suicidal is not a coward, it takes strength to fight every single day when your brain is telling you otherwise. The fight is exhausting & can seem senseless, at the time, the thought of “giving up” seems like a rational option; it never is.

I am not writing this for sympathy. If I do share this publicly, what I don’t want is for anyone to say, “I’m sorry.” Please, do not be sorry! I’m fortunate to have insurance & able to seek help, millions with mental illnesses are not so fortunate.

I’m writing this in case there is someone who is depressed, or suicidal and feels hopeless. If that’s the case and you’re reading this: You’re not alone. There are people that can and will help you. If I can survive, you can too, please trust me on this. You aren’t the worst and you aren’t so different than anyone else with mental illness; you’d be very surprised at how much we all usually have in common. You, just you alone, are worth living for.

National Suicide Prevention LifeLine for USA: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I feel hopeless often

Hopelessness is probably 1 of the most prominent feelings i have in my life today. I see no solution; nobody with any answers. Politicians, preachers, motivational speakers, all try to give their spin- cuz in the long run they need us for 1 reason or another- it’s all manipulation, imo.

Our country is definitely in dire straits, yet people want to point their finger at those with mental health issues, minorities, poverty, the list goes on & on. The fault, of course, is whatever group we don’t identify with, or perhaps we are a part of but feel we’re the exception. The wheels keep going ’round and ’round with no solution, no answer in sight.

We all just hold tight to our seats & hope we don’t happen to be in the pathway of the next mass murderer. It’s so commonplace anymore, isn’t it? Yet we just go on with our day. Police shooting innocent black men wherever they may be; a black youth holding a toy gun, or an adult male sitting in a wheelchair, for goodness sakes! Hardly anybody bats an eye.

We’re asleep. As a nation, we are ASLEEP! Our #1 story on almost every newscast is an idiotic orange-faced man running for political office, and that story goes for a good 5 minutes of news. THAT’S NEWS??!!!??? What about people starving? What about homelessness? What about the mentally ill that are being untreated or under-treated? What about gun control? What about our nation’s REAL problems? Oh, that has to be saved for a 20 minute segment on the Friday night show. To be watched, tweeted about, trend on Twitter and forgotten about. Case in point.

Got home a while ago from visiting Jim in the hospital, he had surgery on Thursday & will be coming home tomorrow, thankfully :) Joe came here on Thursday & just left today, I already miss him. He went to visit Jim 2 times & they talked about RC planes, things a father & son would talk about, ‘cept they’re not father & son. They’re actually much closer than Joe & Gary. Gary went to Vegas in July & about a week before Joe was very nervous cuz he was worrying about what to talk to his dad about. Since Gary was never around when my kids were growing up, he doesn’t know anything about their personalities or who they are, if we’re being honest. Joe said it’s not like he can have a casual conversation with his dad, there’s just nothing there, so it’s a building block, I suppose.

Yes, I’m gloating in the fact that Joe & Jim have so much in common, that Jim has watched Joe grow since he was 13 years old & has seen how much Joe’s matured & knows Joe’s heart, as I said earlier… like a father should. To see my son finally have the connection with someone he admires like a father is such a touching experience, Joe has always longed for this & tried to prove himself to his biological dad, Gary, forever. Gary being the self-centered son of a bitch that he is, is incapable of such love. This makes me even happier I got away from him (even 28 years later!) and met a man that is a man in every sense of the word, he is able to love & be loved unconditionally.

But tonight I’m missing everyone: Jim, Nicole and Joe. Jim is in the hospital tonight, Nicole has moved to Texas & Joe went back to Nevada today. This is the 1st time I’ve been home alone, before I had Trixi home with me & felt safe. (If you think a 200 lb. pig isn’t protection, think again) Up until last year all my close family was right here with me, including my mom & Trixi- until Aug. 22nd; we were all within 20 minutes of each other. It’s interesting how we never know what tomorrow will hold in life, that’s why every moment we are alive we should let those closest know we love them; this is one thing I can say with certainty that I’ve done right.


I don’t know why but tonight I’m feeling very sad. I’m missing my mom & Trixi, for the past few nights when I go to bed, they’re both on my mind. I wish I knew the word to describe what I feel then, it’s a sense of loss, shock and emptiness of some sort. The emptiness is from missing them (I think).

Death is never as we expect it or planned. With my mom, when my brother told me they were bringing her home to die, I was upset with her cuz I thought she was faking it. I can’t explain myself. I didn’t believe she was dying, perhaps I knew I couldn’t handle her dying, I’ll never know. I did well for 3 weeks after she died & then my life went drastically downhill. As a result of that, I’ve lost a lot of my memories.

With Trixi, I know we did what was right. I just miss her, especially at night when I walk into the room to change and she’s not there. She was always there, sleeping, snoring. Sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference between her snores & Jim’s, it was so funny. She never got old, always on the top of her game. She was ornery til the very end & we loved her for it.

My mom never got old either, yes she was 85 but she was still the life of a party. She’d go to bingo 2 times a week & if I was at her house at bingo time she’d start looking at the clock 20 mins. before & putting her hands on the walker… hint, hint 😉 Then she’d just get up & say she was going! But that was our relationship, we were best friends & honest with each other.

I miss her so much. Rarely do I talk to her and when I do, it’s usually to say I’m sorry. I just wish I’d known it would be our last week together.

What life throws at us

Sometimes life seems too boring and at other times it’s overwhelming. Right now, it’s the latter. Figuratively speaking, I feel like I’m in a war zone emotionally. On Aug. 22 we had to put Trixi to sleep, while I know it was the humane thing to do, the past few days I’ve been missing her tremendously. She was my buddy, my sidekick, always present. No matter what happened, Trixi was always here, literally. Even though she was usually sleeping, there was comfort in knowing when I got home, or woke up, went to bed, anything… she was here. All I had to do was rub her belly & she’d listen to me all day long. Now, she’s gone & her absence is felt, painfully so; inside I ache. When we lose someone we love, whether it be human or animal, the initial loss isn’t the difficult part. It’s living every day without them. There is an emptiness where that loving soul once was, now they’ve gone on in their journey and we’re here realizing how great their presence really was. That isn’t to say they weren’t appreciated when they were alive, but there is no way to realize how MUCH they were in our life until they’re gone. Add to this, Nicole moving out of state with her husband, and Jim having surgery in October ~ I feel as though if I could fast forward to November and look back, what I see today and what I will see then could not even resemble one another. I’m worried about a lot of things. Usually I’m able to practice mindfulness and stay in the moment, actually I do that very well. Right now though, it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut & am gasping for air, and I may be punched a few more times before this round is over.


My brain wakes up at night, which is only bad if the rest of the world operates in the day, which it does. Today was 1 of the most meaningful days I’ve had in a long time. It started with my daughter coming over, she brought me a card & some heartfelt birthday gifts; she always knows exactly what will touch my heart. The card made me cry, she got me a lil stuffed Piglet (in memory of Trixi… I haven’t written about that yet :( ) some stationary to write to her when she moves to Texas in 2 weeks & a coffee mug that says “embrace change” by my favorite artist Kelly Rae Roberts- i love her work.

It was 1 year ago tomorrow that Nicole & I started talking again, she texted me for my birthday last August 28th. In July of ’13 we both agreed we needed some time apart, this was the first time we ever stopped talking to one another & it lasted about 2 months. My respect for her grew, I was so proud of her for saying what she needed & sticking to it. Nicole has always been a people-pleaser, so knowing she was actually saying & following through with what’s best for her was a good thing. Time apart also helped our relationship when we did start talking again.

In the afternoon I went to her house to spend time with her & my 6 granddoggies. There is Mishka (mama) a 10+ year old rescue, Cleveland (gooper) a 10+ year old rescue, Shorty a 4 year old French bulldog, Lily (stinky) a 1 1/2 year old French bulldog, and Thelma & Louise, they’re about 8 months old, Louisiana Catahoula Leopard dogs- they’re sisters & rescue dogs. I love them ALL.

2 of them would come in the house at a time. First it was Louise & Shorty, then Lily & Gooper and finally, Mama & Thelma. Each dog wanted my undivided attention. Gooper paid the most attention to me he has in almost his entire life. Louise (the escape artist) insists on looking into my eyes & causing my heart to absolutely melt. I’ve never seen another dog that seems so human, her legs are as though she has 2 arms & 2 legs. She lays on top of you (over my shoulder) puts her 2 front legs around my neck & it feels like she’s holding on for life.

Mama, oh dear Mama, as puppies Gooper was always into mischief & Mama was perfectly behaved. Often she was in the background cuz he got so much attention, but I always noticed & paid attention to her. Gooper is an extraordinary dog, anyone that meets him will tell you this. Mama is kind of your average dog. Now Mama is blind & has diabetes, I know this may be one of the last times I see her. She actually tried to get in the chair with me, so instead I sat on the floor with her & gave her a belly rub, she was so comfortable on her back, she fell completely asleep. She & Gooper survived being raised by a 21 & 23 year old (my kids), who had no idea what they were getting into but this odd little family managed to stay together, although my son now lives in another state. Raul, Nicole’s husband, brought Shorty into the fold, then they got Lily & a few months back Thelma & Louise- their pack is complete.

No kids. Nicole doesn’t want kids, she doesn’t like them, so it’s probably a good thing she doesn’t have them. 😉 I am fine with not having grandkids. There are things I would like about them, but there is no worrying about sicknesses or attitudes, or injuries. Granddoggies are just fine by me.


I feel a sense of sadness when I thought about Trixi. I also feel like I’m going to throw up. She still seems okay, so the idea of her having a cancerous tumor just doesn’t seem right.

Powerless, we’re supposed to protect & take care of her and we can to a point, but then? We’ll have to let her go & there will be such a void in our home. I’ve been able to stay in the moment except for late at night when my thoughts creep in. I know she’s had a good life & 12 years is average for a pbp- I don’t know the right words to describe how I’m feeling. Down, I guess.

Trixi update

Tuesday, July 29th, we had a vet come here to remove a foxtail from Trixi’s nose. They had to anesthesize her, Jim & I waited in the living room for him to take care of her. When he returned to the living room he told us it wasn’t a foxtail, it’s a large tumor & he’s almost positive it’s cancerous. He had both Jim & I feel her nostrils & on 1 side you could feel how it’s supposed to be, on the other side there is a golf ball size lump- that’s the cancer.

She’s too old for us to do surgery & even if she were younger, Jim & I have always agreed we’d do what’s in her best interest, not our selfishness. We’ve seen people go to such drastic measures for their pets, yet the pet looks like it’s hanging on by 1 hair. IMO, the person is doing it for themselves, not the pet. Anyways, surgery is not an option.

We’re going to take care of Trixi as we have for 12 years, we’ll love & spoil her as much as possible! I’m trying to stay in the moment with her & not ruminate about what will someday be. As long as we have her here with us, there is no need to grieve.

We both cried yesterday & I’m sure there will be more days like that. Our lives are forever evolving & unfortunately, death is a part of the life cycle. I’m trying this Buddhist belief & accepting what is. Anyways, that’s all for now


Where to begin… my outlook on the USA is very bleak right now. I feel extremely hopeless about our society, where it is & can NOT imagine it getting any worse, but I believe it will.

Our values are so backward; we only focus on the end result & not on the investment- therefore what we “see” looks good, however it’s just a hollow shell, a facade. When kids or adults have emotional or mental problems, “if” they have insurance they’ll be referred to a therapist who will in turn refer them to a psychiatrist who will give them pills… pills to make you happy, pills to make you calm, pills to make you sleep, eat, not eat, energetic, pills that will make your fucking mind go crazy & you won’t know who you are anymore. It’s always the quickest, easiest way out.

The only solution psychiatrists (not psychologists) know is medicine, so they give out the latest, greatest medicine they have. Of course, they don’t really know what it’s going to do to you and they definitely do not know the long term effects- everyone is a guinea pig. Of course, they don’t first tell you about vitamins that may help or eating better & exercising… no, just take a pill. All they care about is that their door stay revolving. A great way to let psychiatrists know the risk they’re taking when they prescribe meds is to put them on some psychiatric drugs (in a hospital so they’re safe) and let them experience how these medicines effect people. Everybody will have a different experience, but they’ll see how they can fuck with you, side effects that aren’t listed yet are found in forums galore. Let these professionals have a taste of their own medicine~ literally and figuratively. I bet they ease off the prescriptions & dosages.

I wonder how many individuals would benefit solely from therapy (not only 10 sessions) w/o medications involved, but someone who cares actually listening to what ails you. Someone that can help find solutions, ways to cope & even how to interact properly with others; these are things that don’t come naturally for everyone- probably for most. But everybody is programmed to hurry, hurry, hurry… run here & do this activity then go on another & not sitting down with each other, listening, just taking time to do nothing- it doesn’t cost a penny & yet it’s the most valuable gift we have: time.

Jails & prisons house the mentally ill now because we don’t have sufficient mental health facilities. Since some mentally ill cannot cope in society, they must be bad, right? Let’s just stick em behind bars, nobody will notice & if they do, they’ll be relieved anyways. We can solve our problems by violating their civil rights & making their medical information accessible to everyone; they aren’t normal!

We have a problem with firearms in our country & the solution, in my opinion, we’d have to go backwards & undo much of what has been done. If we set new regulations, how will we get firearms back from people? The ones that intend on doing damage are not going to surrender them. I’m not afraid of gang members having guns; I’m afraid of almost everybody else having a gun!

I do realize I’m jumping all over the place & really making sense only to myself, but I’ve been so angry & frustrated about so much lately. My biggest gripe about all this is our gov’t skips around viable solutions, now we have bulletproof blankets for school kids… how about practical gun laws? How about families looking inward & spending some time together daily with cellphones OFF. How about parents not allowing their child to go on social media sites until they’re 13 & then actually monitoring their behavior on there? Young kids don’t need cellphones in the damn 1st place! I’m so sick of hearing parents bitch about how fast their kids are growing up, then stating their 9 year old has a smartphone! WHO is raising your kid?? Society or YOU? Take responsibility for something you chose to bring in this world.

If you don’t want to spend time with your child then don’t have em! Do people thinks kids are stupid enough to not know when they’re not wanted? That doesn’t mean buy them everything there is or take them everywhere, it means spend TIME with them. LISTEN to them- what a novel concept!

I was amazed when I heard some Canadians in such shock over a shooting last week; they were devastated. That’s when it dawned on me that it’s absolute commonplace here. I don’t know when our country got here, but here we are and we’re pretty fucked up.

Our country is missing empathy, and I don’t mean enabling. When and why did we stop caring about the homeless? The mentally ill? Families that don’t have food? If you can’t stay in step with a society paced like energized robots, you are kicked to the curb as if you’ve committed a crime. I am so ashamed that with all of the things we’re blessed with, this is how we would even consider treating another human being.

My instinct tells me to move away to some place remote and just put my head in the sand. That is a depressing solution, but right now, it’s the only one I can think of.