I’m frustrated in almost every single area of my life. Fortunately, things are good with my family - thankfully! Other than that, everything is pretty much in the dumps. I don’t know where my therapist is, he was supposed to call me on Dec. 20th & I’ve never heard from him despite leaving numerous messages. I could get another therapist, but I’ve been seeing him for about 5 years, he’s the 1st person I’ve ever been 100% honest with. It takes a LONG time to get everything out - that’s something I doubt I’ll ever do with another person. See? Even writing about it on here I’m worried because I’m afraid of the advice I’ll get & honestly, I don’t want advice. I won’t get another therapist, I’m just not going to start all over.

In case you don’t follow me on Facebook - I blew my sobriety on January-something, I could find the date, but don’t feel like it. My new clean date is Jan. 26, 2010. I haven’t gone to a meeting in weeks, perhaps a month.

I really feel like I just don’t fit in anywhere no matter how hard I try. It’s like something is wrong with me. And I don’t feel sorry for myself - it’s really, really just something that’s been over the course of my life. There are other things going on, things I don’t want to write about. I have to figure out some way to deal with all this.

∗ Posted by jane on 02.03.2010
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∗ Posted by jane on 01.30.2010
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∗ Posted by jane on 01.06.2010
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Today is 5 months I’ve been clean. August 5th, 2009 seems like a lifetime ago, it really does. It seems like I’m changing in so many ways, I don’t get into uncontrollable rages anymore ~ those were really frightening. I used to take pills so I’d be comfortable around others, kinda fit in, but now I’m actually more comfortable than I’ve ever been before. Things are so much more balanced for me. I still have a very difficult time balancing my daily things like: housework, artwork, reading literature, meetings, and time with Dick.

In a sense, the change is bittersweet. I’m changing; Dick isn’t. Although I’ve got to give him credit because he is trying to cut back on his choice of drug, he’s also making an effort to spend more quality time together & actually be “there”.  But this is also kind of scary, what if I change too much and he doesn’t change enough? I’ve got to stay in the present with what it is today & try not to worry about what tomorrow may bring.

I’m very fortunate that I’ve got a tremendous support system: friends in real life & online (I truly feel closer to my online friends, tho… hope that’s not freaky), my family - all my family, but mainly my kids & Dick. I can’t think of anyone waiting to see me fall, not even my asshole brother. I’m extremely blessed & thankful.

∗ Posted by jane on 01.05.2010
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∗ Posted by jane on 01.05.2010
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